Things that go through a mother's mind but not across her lips

Don't turn away from me.
Don't stomp your foot.
Don't make a fist at me.
Don't be angry.
Don't wake up happy then turn suddenly sad.
Don't stare me down while I'm staring you down.
Don't ignore me.
Don't tell me no.
Don't make me ask you more than once.
Don't make me feel terrible about it.
Don't make me be a reflection of my own mother.
Don't make me problem solve, strategize, behavior manage.
Don't make me second guess myself.
Don't make me worry about you so much.
Don't question me every time I ask you to do something.
Don't make the same facial expression at me that I make at you.
(You are only four years old!  You should not be able to make adult faces yet.)

Well, I think that just about covers the job description for motherhood.
Breathe.  Sigh.  Cry a little.  Laugh.  Smile.  Carry on.


Lamentations, J. Tackett

My wish

I want to settle.

Settle and be calm, still, and quiet.
Let my brain relax.
Let my hands rest in my lap.

I want to be like a snow globe after it has been shaken.
I want all of my pieces to drift down into a comfortable place.

Once I get settled, I want time.
Time for all of my synapses to recognize each other.
Time for them to remember me as whole, the sum of my parts.

I want to recognize myself away from my many roles in the snow storm that is daily life.
I want to remember when I was first thought of, when I first sparked into existence, when I was full of possibilities.
Before I was defined by my choices.

I want to breathe.  I want to feel my soul expand with clean thoughts and intentions.
I want to rest here until I feel myself waking.
I want to rest until an internal desire for action stirs me.
Then I will open my eyes feeling new and ready.

J. Tackett

In a flash of realization and clarity I was sent a message.
It came from nowhere but will be so important for me to remember.
It went something like this...

Do not ignore her.  
Do not cold shoulder her.  
Do not hold a grudge.

When she comes to you for forgiveness, forgive her easily and whole heartedly.  She is looking for the answers that she cannot find within herself.  Give them to her straight without strings.

Stop with the warnings, the cautions, "if this than that".
Let her discover.  Let her succeed.  Let her fail.

She is first my thought, my baby, my young lady, but only mine for a little while. Through all of this, I will be her mother.

We will only truly come back together after she is grown and is transformed into a mother herself if she so chooses.

From this point on, she will continue to expand into something too big for me to hold.  Too precious for me to keep to myself.
Only the universe can contain her now.

J. Tackett for Emma

What haunts me

So many things over such a long time
Layered so deeply beneath good that they almost don't bother me

An older person's regret over a younger person's inaction
Watching but not doing
Seeing but not helping
Agony and indecision while backing out of the crowd
Heartbreak

Now, I am awash in self forgiveness because they deserve it
I will not allow the shadow of my life to block out the sun on my children's shiny, flaxen hair
I will not

J. Tackett

Morning Ritual

Sitting outside watching the horses graze in the pasture.
Watching the silver web of dew that blankets the trail down to the pond.
Feeling so fortunate that this beauty is mine to behold.
Sighing at the memory of Pride and Prejudice when they meet that early morning on the glen to declare themselves.

I used to watch the birds come to my pear tree as the sun came up.
Now, with little ones, I wake up to slobbery kisses and tiny fingers going up my nose.
Just as happy.  
Just as beautiful.

J. Tackett

slant of light

I chase the light in my dark 1940's house.

I know to knit in the middle room at 4:00.

I know to cook dinner in the kitchen at 5:30.

I know that my daughter's room is like the surface of the sun year 'round and I can take the best pictures there.

I forgive winter only because the pecan trees drop their leaves and allow my living room to glow from 10:00 until 3:00.

All the other rooms in the house are considered nests.

The sunny rooms are places to stretch. Ponder the little hairs on my legs. Appreciate the aquamarine blue of my children's eyes. 

J. Tackett   

Mirror Mirror

Today I realized that I've stopped making eye contact with myself.
I only look at the teeth that I'm brushing or the hair that I'm drying.
I avoid staring directly into my own eyes.  
I avoid seeing what lies just behind the glasses.
I don't think I remember who lives there.
I'm not sure I want to be friends. I may not trust this person.

I prefer the reflection in my daughter's sky blue eyes.  
I feel beautiful when I look at her.
I feel thankful.
I feel happy.

J. Tackett